When I was younger I mistook refusing to fix the things in my life that I didn't like with living life with no regrets. I left them as they were, continied to make uncorrected mistakes and just put them out of my mind. When I start to examine these things I have realized that they are regrets indeed. Mostly I regret the state of one relationship that I have worked at sporadically, but never made myself heard.
Recent events have made me accept that our time is limited, to what, no one knows. But the time I let pass is lost forever.
It is so hard to put your heart in danger of being rejected and having your fears confirmed. But to never really try I will never really know. It's been my way to act as though I don't care, to put on a brave face.
I am on the cusp of seizing my moment. I am going to have a moment of truth.
Wish me luck.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Mum thoughts
I took my kids to have some photo's taken today and although the photographer assured me that my kids were certainly not the worst behaved of the day - I can't help but wonder if that was part of her $1000.00 package salespitch. Honestly, they were shocking. Trying to get them to sit still and get a smile that didn't look like a grimace was like urban warfare.
They wrestled all over the place, chased each other, tried to climb and then jump from chairs, nearly tore down the backdrop and kind of reminded me of chimpanzees in a zoo. If only they threw poo at each other and swung through the place by their tails the picture would have been complete. At times, I looooooooathe taking them in public.
Eating out - once a joy that has become a battle of wills - they will run off and I will cajole, bribe, threaten to try to get them to behave. I might as well try to train an octopus to tapdance. Ridiculous.
A few hours later I changed my youngest's nappy and failed to return the nappy cream to the high shelf. 5 minutes later the oldest comes to me complaining that he has been covered in cream. The cream is also on the couch, on the wall, on the hallway floor, in the carpet and all over child #2. Completly my fault. I didn't put the cream back - but ... why why why finger paint the house? What is the appeal? It was so hard to keep a straight face when he looked at my with a snowy white face and gummed up eyelashes to say "uh-oh".
I don't want to be the fun police and at times I'm sure they see me as exactly that - the cranky old bird that expects too much cooperation from short folk of very limited attention span that just wanna have fun... but sometimes Mum's just wanna have fun too.
I asked my oldest after the photography incident if he knew why I was angry with him and he guessed "Cos you're always angry?" Is this really how he sees me? This comment has stopped me in my tracks. Can this really be the way he sees his Mum? It has my doubting myself and questioning how I see my relationship with my kids - they often say that truth comes from the mouths of babes... Is my truth that I'm so caught up in how things should be that I'm failing to enjoy what is?
They wrestled all over the place, chased each other, tried to climb and then jump from chairs, nearly tore down the backdrop and kind of reminded me of chimpanzees in a zoo. If only they threw poo at each other and swung through the place by their tails the picture would have been complete. At times, I looooooooathe taking them in public.
Eating out - once a joy that has become a battle of wills - they will run off and I will cajole, bribe, threaten to try to get them to behave. I might as well try to train an octopus to tapdance. Ridiculous.
A few hours later I changed my youngest's nappy and failed to return the nappy cream to the high shelf. 5 minutes later the oldest comes to me complaining that he has been covered in cream. The cream is also on the couch, on the wall, on the hallway floor, in the carpet and all over child #2. Completly my fault. I didn't put the cream back - but ... why why why finger paint the house? What is the appeal? It was so hard to keep a straight face when he looked at my with a snowy white face and gummed up eyelashes to say "uh-oh".
I don't want to be the fun police and at times I'm sure they see me as exactly that - the cranky old bird that expects too much cooperation from short folk of very limited attention span that just wanna have fun... but sometimes Mum's just wanna have fun too.
I asked my oldest after the photography incident if he knew why I was angry with him and he guessed "Cos you're always angry?" Is this really how he sees me? This comment has stopped me in my tracks. Can this really be the way he sees his Mum? It has my doubting myself and questioning how I see my relationship with my kids - they often say that truth comes from the mouths of babes... Is my truth that I'm so caught up in how things should be that I'm failing to enjoy what is?
Friday, December 31, 2010
my first bit of cyber litter
Happy New Year one and all!
I've decided that this year I will do something I've always thought of as difficult- I will put my thoughts right out there for judgement by god knows who (probably no-one!!) to read. I was inspired by my step Mum's commitment to blogging daily for this year - if this incredible woman with NO TIME can acheive this then so can I!
Being home for this holiday period for the first time with my family has been heaven! Spending time together has been the best gift of all this year ... but all this time .... at home ... has lead to cleaning ... and cleaning has lead to more cleaning ... which in turn has revealed just how much cleaning is not getting done all year round.
I pulled out the fridge crisper which revealed a build up of some kind of solid that I couldn't identify but looked like tempered white chocolate (ewww)... in the process of getting rid of this I saw how filthy beneath the fridge was and then got to wondering how long it has been since I had sorted out that whole general area and my synapses are firing off like marbles bouncing in a metal bucket - how does the normal everyday woman with kids and a job and study and exercise, and a LIFE, even with a helpful man ever get all this work done?
Are you birds all hiring help? Have you got night fairys? Are you OCD? How how how on earth do you make it look so easy? I can only think - if I own less, I have less to clean - less to dust... less to maintain? Is this the secret?
I am adding to my list of previous years resolutions (which I perpetually pick up again on January 1) - this year I will toss more crap than I've ever tossed before - I will buy less crap and I will claim back some time.
AND!! To replace the void that the rubbish leaves behind, I will write more rubbish like this and like a highway litter bug, I will wind down the window and release it into the wild.
xxxxxxxx
I've decided that this year I will do something I've always thought of as difficult- I will put my thoughts right out there for judgement by god knows who (probably no-one!!) to read. I was inspired by my step Mum's commitment to blogging daily for this year - if this incredible woman with NO TIME can acheive this then so can I!
Being home for this holiday period for the first time with my family has been heaven! Spending time together has been the best gift of all this year ... but all this time .... at home ... has lead to cleaning ... and cleaning has lead to more cleaning ... which in turn has revealed just how much cleaning is not getting done all year round.
I pulled out the fridge crisper which revealed a build up of some kind of solid that I couldn't identify but looked like tempered white chocolate (ewww)... in the process of getting rid of this I saw how filthy beneath the fridge was and then got to wondering how long it has been since I had sorted out that whole general area and my synapses are firing off like marbles bouncing in a metal bucket - how does the normal everyday woman with kids and a job and study and exercise, and a LIFE, even with a helpful man ever get all this work done?
Are you birds all hiring help? Have you got night fairys? Are you OCD? How how how on earth do you make it look so easy? I can only think - if I own less, I have less to clean - less to dust... less to maintain? Is this the secret?
I am adding to my list of previous years resolutions (which I perpetually pick up again on January 1) - this year I will toss more crap than I've ever tossed before - I will buy less crap and I will claim back some time.
AND!! To replace the void that the rubbish leaves behind, I will write more rubbish like this and like a highway litter bug, I will wind down the window and release it into the wild.
xxxxxxxx
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